Are you wondering what's the best gift for a new mom? Although I'm 4.5 years into motherhood I can tell you the honest truth what the best gifts are. The first things on my list are not what you might expect. Please hear me out, because this can change your relationship with this person for the better for years to come. She'll never forget this experience, we can truly make it better more than any material thing can.
1. Understand Matrescence
Becoming a mom for the first time and truly every single time after... even if you are not a parent - humbly see mom and hear, respect, tell her that you see this is a new transition she is now going through. A chapter that is as heart-gushing as it is hard (and even crushing). Have you ever heard of the phrase Matresence? It's important to know of this because many moms could be thriving or silently struggling for months to come, and you can make a difference by understanding it.
Matrescence Definition:
Matrescence, the term first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, Ph.D. (1973), simply put is the process of becoming a mother. It also recurs with each child.
And what a process it is. The processes of the physical, emotional, hormonal, and social transition. It feels so intense and people often lump it as postpartum depression which is a disservice. It's mothers development. Something I probably would not have understood until I lived it. If I could put this in the perspective of a gift to mom, it would be to be aware. Ask her often how she is feeling today. And if she gives you a generic sugar-coated cute answer - ask her again. Then: listen. Give no advice unless she asks for it. Simply just ask how she is doing. Not "how is baby", "how is baby sleeping". And if you say "sleep when baby sleeps" just know mom probably just puked in her mouth. And stop with the unsolicited sleep training advice. You're making her silently feel worse because part of the struggle with matrescence is honoring your gut instinct vs what western society tells you and they often conflict. If you were to ask anything additional, on that note ask her what her gut is telling her. Tell her: "You're More Equipped Than You Think". Watch this video from Dr. Gordon Neufeld for more on that.
2. Nourishment:
Notice a trend here? This is a focus on MOM. Not baby because all baby needs is mom/dad/closeness/connection. Mom's now up 24/7. She's likely never been so zombified in her life. She's giving her all, more than all, she's feeding baby every 2 hours or more depending on baby and latching/lactation worries that most all first time moms go through. The best gift to mom is nourishment for mom. You can send meal deliveries, door dash and uber eats gift cards. You can start a meal train online. You can drop off food (but dont hang around unless she needs you). See my post on my favorite superfoods for mom to really want to help heal mom from the inside out and put that on a monthly subscription. I wish I had this when I was a new mom.
3. Physical help with all the things
The dishes may be dirty. The bottles need washing. The rug has pet fur on it. Give a gift card for housecleaning.
4. Support her breastfeeding journey
Humans have breastmilk for a reason. Human breastmilk also has more water concentration than other mammals. Human babies will need to breastfeed more often. Tell mom its Ok to feed as baby needs it. But if baby 'always' seems hungry, if mom complains of pain when breastfeeding, if baby is unusually cranky/experiencing discomfort - signal an SOS to an IBCLC or talented CLC in the community. International Board Certified Lactation Consultants and Certified Lactation Consultants can help. They can observe baby's latch to ensure it looks optimal, give tips, and help ease mom's mind. My pediatrician stressed me out. I get they are here to ensure babies thrive. But mine doubted my milk's calorie volume and not once referred me to or was partnered with a lactation consultant. We talked at multiple visits about my milk in the suspected lacking perspective and not once was I referred to a lactation consultant. The stress I put upon myself was intense - and now as a CLC I see other moms experiencing the same thing and it was my reason to become a CLC. To step in and help.
Looking back I view my pediatrician not mentioning a lactation consultant to me was a monstrous disservice to a new mom and baby. I'll say this again - humans have breastmilk for a reason. Your gift to mom is to empower her and celebrate this. Celebrate this. There is so much scientific data out there as to why human milk is the priority milk consumption and why. I won't get into the details on this post. Please know there are lifelong benefits to mom and baby if they get a chance to experience breastfeediing. There are also donor breastmilk banks, free breastmilk donor groups online even (yes its an honor system but coming from a mom who had donor breastmilk from the nicu and then from a local mom - moms are goddesses). Don't pay for breastmilk - that warrants suspicion.
This is anthropology for humans, sleep, and breastfeeding. Babies and children sleep in the same sleeping space as their parents around the world. Western society poo-poos this but I place breastsleeping in front with a combination of human instinct and responsibility. American societal 'rules' (and I'm calling you out 'sleep training') started not too long ago as far as our (young American) history goes. I love the phrase "We are far from enlightened", as Western culture is often disconnected from ancestral roots. YES, there are safe sleeping protocols all should be mindful of.
6. Hire a postpartum doula
I wish I had one. My mom came to visit for 1 week soon after my baby was born. That was just about the only time I got more than 3 hour sleep stretches for quite a while. Guess what happens when mom gets less than that? Danger. A Doula was the best $1500 I ever spent on a service and that was actually a birth doula. I didnt know or have the budget for a postpartum doula. But they are trained to tailor needs to mom and baby, they are kind, they give no judgement, they are there to help the family feel a sense of calm in all this newness. They can be there at midnight and 3am, or they can be there for mom by day to let her rest because she was nurturing baby through the night.
That's all I have for you for gifts for mom. See her for the journey she is going through. Nurture her and make sure she nurtures herself. Everyone asks about baby. I can't tell you how many times I heard someone ask my partner on the phone how I was doing and his response was "Great!" and I thought to myself "That's not really accurate". Ask mom directly, and if you need to ask her one-on-one. I'm tired of the pretend disconnected-from-feeling-things-culture. Time to honor parenthood for the raw, toughness that exists and ask what you can do to make it a little less intense.
Wish love and light to all - Jess
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